Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Ultimate Break-Up


Okay, so I just have to get this out of my system.  Those of you who know me know that I am a venter.  And if I don't write my feelings down and expose myself emotionally for the whole world to see, well, as you and I both know, I just won't ever get over her.  This is my desperate and dire reach out for therapeutic relief.  For you see, this post is about the love of my life.  She and I go way back.  In fact, I can remember her being a part of my life since before I can remember (the fuzzy memories of her at my side have been materialized into reality because of the numerous home videos of when I was 2) and I can't even fathom life without her.  We were, and fortunately still are, joined at the hip (but I desperately ask, "For how much longer?").  Oh how I fondly reminisce of the days where we would run through the grassy fields, go on bike rides together, and heck, we would even wear matching clothes just to be cute.  Yes, we were that type of couple.  But a few months ago, she tried to leave me, and our relationship has been a bit rocky  ever since.  We have tried to mend the past and move on with our lives like any respectable couple does in these types of situations, but our relationship is still broken.  Trust me, I can feel it in my bones.  We are not on the same step stride for stride like we used to be, and I can still feel a tinge of a fracture that is causing constant and dire pain in our relationship.  My darling's name is Sheila, and I am proud to say she is still the love of my life.  Sheila also happens to be my right leg.

You see, the trouble started on a very tragic November 1st morning.  To me everything seemed fine and peachy.  Our relationship seemed to be running smoothly and life could not of been more grand.  We were playing soccer together that morning and even though my two best friends Bill and Jerry (my right and left hands) were about as effective at stopping the soccer ball from flying into the goal as the french were at stopping Germany in WWII, Sheila and I were amazing together.  Oh how she seldom let me down.  But then something unexpected happened that I could of never foreseen.  A big, strong, no good-for-nothing meat head of a soccer player came out of now where from the impending darkness and tried desperately to rip her apart from me! And and in her moment of faithlessness she almost gave in.  Oh how I screamed at the realization and pain that was afflicted and thrust upon me in her moment of pure weakness!  Oh, how this reality hurt me so!  I couldn't believe what had transpired.  How could I?  I could not bear to look at her with my physical eyes, for I knew the ghastly sight would just sicken me so!  I continued to scream my heart out, hoping that mental shock would over take me.  But shock would never come, only cruel fate, as I had to live through this frightening and merciless experience.  Yes, later morphine would dull the pain, but never the memory.  

Oh Sheila, where did I go wrong?  Was it the time I unexpectedly shaved only half of you bald and made you a laughing stock?  I was weak, and I am sorry.  But at least I gave you covering so no one could see your frightful appearance.  And I was a bored 20 year old with nothing to do at 10:30 at night in Pennsylvania.  Can you blame me?  Or is it how I always point out how much hair you have and frequently compare you to a gorilla?  Come now Sheila, it is only in jest.  And I only jest those I love.     

We can only rely on therapy now to mend us back together.  Pray this pain you have caused me will go away like a feather in the wind, never to be seen from again.  I will forgive you, in time... 



  

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Getting Up to Par


So, since Devin and Deanna's engagement, I have had a couple of people get Devin and I confused and congratulate me for their most recent and wonderful news.  Now of course, I am used to people becoming confused with Devin and I and in the past have not felt bad about it.  This time it is different.  I can actually physically feel the embarrassment on their faces like I have never before, as if I had said to them, "Sorry, I am not Devin, and you are a stupid moron for thinking so.  How dare you?!" in a rather nasty and bitter tone.  Oh, how it cuts me like a knife inside!  And to make matters worse, people are actually now coming up to me and asking in a rather annoying (and might I add smug) sort of way, "So Darin, when are YOU going to get engaged?" to which I have no reply.  This statement makes me feel like I just got kicked emotionally in the groin followed by another swift and powerful no-mercy kick to the face repeatedly immediately after I have quickly crumpled to the ground.  Oh, how it hurts!  As a result of these new enquiries and predicaments forced upon me in my life, I have come up with a rather ingenious solution: a mail ordered Russian bride.

"Why?" you may ask.  "Well, why not?" I shall counter.  In fact, doing the research online (www.nowisthetimetobuyarussianbride.com is a great source in my opinion) I have found many reasons to buy right now.  I stumbled upon many credible web sites with testimonials of past purchasers themselves who are claiming they are so happy with their Russian bride, that we as future consumers should not even think twice about what we are doing and to just go on our emotions (or hormones) and go for it!  For you see, if I (the purchaser) sit on the idea for a while and actually think about what I am actually doing, I might miss out on this golden opportunity.  And I believe them.  How could I not?  Every time I have listened to reason, it only got me into trouble.  Plus, there is a 7 year guarantee!

I tell you this because I want you all to get an idea of who my new bride will be.  She should arrive in a month or so (we are still waiting for her visa) and I want all of you to welcome her with open arms as your new family member or friend, whichever category you may fall under.  Her name is Vera Andreev Fedoseez-Egorof.  Long, I know, but she said for an additional $20.37 she would trim her name down to three.  It's a fair price if you ask my professional opinion (I am in Financial Management this semester, so I DO know a few things about the subject).  And speaking of a fair price on a great investment, the reason why this is such an opportune time to buy is because of how the economy is tanking down the toilet quicker than President George W's popularity polls.  My lovely Vera will only cost $147.62!  That is roughly $10,000.21 in Russian currency!  She also said in her online bio that all she wants to do is cook, clean, change diapers, vacuum, and rub her husbands back and feet (Dad, you jealous yet?).  Seriously, what else could I ask for?  And the flow of her words and the delightful phrases she used to describe how lovely she is were so beautiful, so majestic, I just couldn't say no.  Plus, it just, well, it just feels so right.  
 
She is 6'2 though, but I'm sure I'll get over it.